Last Saturday night, I made a few comments about my last ex to my current crush/ladyfriend. I was being honest with what I said and the comments in themselves weren't bad, but about an hour after she had left, I suddenly felt that I hadn't fully expressed myself. I hadn't teased-out the edges of the thoughts I had when I made the comments and have been pondering how to clarify things a bit more.
The last person I was in a relationship with (for the sake of my own sanity, I'm not including the girl from New York in the "people I've been in a relationship" category) was a guy. This was after I had sworn-off men, deciding that I was far too good at manipulating them. Since my attraction to women was much stronger and my connection with women has always been incredibly more electric, I didn't want to even question the possibility of a relationship with a guy. Well, last May, something changed. I met this guy and there was just something about him that turned all my thoughts upside down.
Sadly, not too long into the dating-thing we had going on, I realized that the connection wasn't really a connection. I was flattered that I was getting some attention from a kind person, and it had been a very long time since anyone had really shown interest in me romantically. I wasn't interested in him romantically and I should have told him that; instead, I became very selfish and bathed in the compliments and attention. I didn't want to open-up the possibility of becoming romantically attached myself, so I didn't share with him very personal details about myself and I soon became aware that I was putting him in a box and taking him out when I wanted to play with him. That's not an appropriate way to treat any person, especially one that starts falling in love with you. I know that I broke his heart and I am truly sorry.
So when I told my current ladyfriend that the Lite-Brite in my living room was probably the best thing that came out of my last relationship, I wasn't lying, but I was also being really insensitive. The best thing perhaps that came out of the relationship is the things I've learned about myself. Yes: I am attracted to men and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another guy, though it would have to be under different circumstances, and I would need to let myself open-up and run the risk of getting hurt.
I have put up this terrible stigma that I can't have a connection with a man whom I'm attracted and I don't know exactly why. Somehow, I established that I won't find that and have blocked myself off from the possibility. So here, now, I'm opening it back up, because you just never know who'll wander into your life.
Though I do have to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind it a bit if my ladyfriend was my one and only love interest for (I'm running the risk of sounding utterly cliche here) as long as we both shall live.
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