The state is roughly the same size as France. Crazy.
I can honestly say that I never in my life thought about the possibility of ever possessing even the slightest inkling of desire to visit Texas let alone live there. Well all that changed when I met Mere. I knew before our first date that she was planning to move back to Texas at the end of the summer, that we probably wouldn't have a long-term relationship mainly because of that factor, but then we met and it just didn't make any sense for me to not join her down there.
I pay month-to-month rent and I can leave at any time.
I'm not in school so I don't have to worry about transferring credits, applications, blah blah blah.
I have a happy job, but everyone there will survive without me.
I can get up and go whenever.
We gave it a lot of thought. I'll stay here through the Holiday season so I can visit my family, pack all my belongings, and we'll hopefully bonus at work and I'll bring home some hefty chunks of change. We'll have some time to perfect the long-distance thing (though she's been traveling a little bit each month I've known her) and the absence will make our hearts grow fonder. Some people think we're pretty bold for trying the long-distance thing, but we easily point out that a few decades ago, couples maintained long-distance relationships and stayed together through thick and thin. Why should our situation be any different? AND: we have the added bonus of the lovely thing called the internet: Skype, emailing, instant messages, Facebook...we'll be fine.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
A Reflection: Men and Me
Last Saturday night, I made a few comments about my last ex to my current crush/ladyfriend. I was being honest with what I said and the comments in themselves weren't bad, but about an hour after she had left, I suddenly felt that I hadn't fully expressed myself. I hadn't teased-out the edges of the thoughts I had when I made the comments and have been pondering how to clarify things a bit more.
The last person I was in a relationship with (for the sake of my own sanity, I'm not including the girl from New York in the "people I've been in a relationship" category) was a guy. This was after I had sworn-off men, deciding that I was far too good at manipulating them. Since my attraction to women was much stronger and my connection with women has always been incredibly more electric, I didn't want to even question the possibility of a relationship with a guy. Well, last May, something changed. I met this guy and there was just something about him that turned all my thoughts upside down.
Sadly, not too long into the dating-thing we had going on, I realized that the connection wasn't really a connection. I was flattered that I was getting some attention from a kind person, and it had been a very long time since anyone had really shown interest in me romantically. I wasn't interested in him romantically and I should have told him that; instead, I became very selfish and bathed in the compliments and attention. I didn't want to open-up the possibility of becoming romantically attached myself, so I didn't share with him very personal details about myself and I soon became aware that I was putting him in a box and taking him out when I wanted to play with him. That's not an appropriate way to treat any person, especially one that starts falling in love with you. I know that I broke his heart and I am truly sorry.
So when I told my current ladyfriend that the Lite-Brite in my living room was probably the best thing that came out of my last relationship, I wasn't lying, but I was also being really insensitive. The best thing perhaps that came out of the relationship is the things I've learned about myself. Yes: I am attracted to men and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another guy, though it would have to be under different circumstances, and I would need to let myself open-up and run the risk of getting hurt.
I have put up this terrible stigma that I can't have a connection with a man whom I'm attracted and I don't know exactly why. Somehow, I established that I won't find that and have blocked myself off from the possibility. So here, now, I'm opening it back up, because you just never know who'll wander into your life.
Though I do have to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind it a bit if my ladyfriend was my one and only love interest for (I'm running the risk of sounding utterly cliche here) as long as we both shall live.
The last person I was in a relationship with (for the sake of my own sanity, I'm not including the girl from New York in the "people I've been in a relationship" category) was a guy. This was after I had sworn-off men, deciding that I was far too good at manipulating them. Since my attraction to women was much stronger and my connection with women has always been incredibly more electric, I didn't want to even question the possibility of a relationship with a guy. Well, last May, something changed. I met this guy and there was just something about him that turned all my thoughts upside down.
Sadly, not too long into the dating-thing we had going on, I realized that the connection wasn't really a connection. I was flattered that I was getting some attention from a kind person, and it had been a very long time since anyone had really shown interest in me romantically. I wasn't interested in him romantically and I should have told him that; instead, I became very selfish and bathed in the compliments and attention. I didn't want to open-up the possibility of becoming romantically attached myself, so I didn't share with him very personal details about myself and I soon became aware that I was putting him in a box and taking him out when I wanted to play with him. That's not an appropriate way to treat any person, especially one that starts falling in love with you. I know that I broke his heart and I am truly sorry.
So when I told my current ladyfriend that the Lite-Brite in my living room was probably the best thing that came out of my last relationship, I wasn't lying, but I was also being really insensitive. The best thing perhaps that came out of the relationship is the things I've learned about myself. Yes: I am attracted to men and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another guy, though it would have to be under different circumstances, and I would need to let myself open-up and run the risk of getting hurt.
I have put up this terrible stigma that I can't have a connection with a man whom I'm attracted and I don't know exactly why. Somehow, I established that I won't find that and have blocked myself off from the possibility. So here, now, I'm opening it back up, because you just never know who'll wander into your life.
Though I do have to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind it a bit if my ladyfriend was my one and only love interest for (I'm running the risk of sounding utterly cliche here) as long as we both shall live.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How To Stop Liking Someone
Valentine's Day is fast approaching and for the past few years it seems that I'm crushing on someone that I just simply can't be with. You know what it's like to have a crush on someone knowing it'll never go anywhere further than maybe sharing sips of soda or a random high-five, right? You know how terrible it is to pine away for someone without any chance of a future with them. Well, fret no longer, I've adapted a maybe fool-proof list of things you can do to get over someone that you shouldn't have really been into anyway. This list might also work for an ex boy/girl/something friend that you need to get over too.
Before I give you the list I need to give a disclaimer: Do try these at home, but be careful, some may be detrimental to your mental, physical and/or emotional health. If you still need to be friendly with the person you're trying to unlike, there are a few things on the list that probably won't work for you. Use your best judgement.
Supplies you'll need to follow the steps of the list include: copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream, booze and plenty of it, a good sense of humor, a super-smart friend who can build you a contraption (described in detail later), another cute person to direct your attention, and a few rubber bands.
Step 1: Memory Wipe
Get your super-smart friend to design you a contraption that'll wipe your memory. Make sure that you only wipe your memories of this person unless you want to start completely fresh. If that's the case, go back all the way to the day you were born. This is probably one of the most drastic things you can do and I do not hold any responsibility if anything goes wrong with this one, but if your super-smart friend does indeed create said contraption and it works, make sure that friend gets in touch with me. I want my name on the patent.
Step 2: Be Observant
Open your eyes! When you're waiting in line at the grocery store, take a look around. There's bound to be someone with a crushable likability to them. Formulate a crush on them. This new crush placement will push the thoughts of the old crush into the trash bin of your memory.
Step 3: Make Different Memories
This step isn't much different than "Step 1" but in this step, you won't run the risk of frying your brain cells. When you simply replace the happy, heart-warming thoughts you have of the person you're crushing on with thoughts of bad, unhappy things, you'll most likely start thinking that your crush is a mean, cruel person. But they are mean, aren't they? They're practically the devil reincarnated. Right? This is the part where you nod your head and agree with me.
Step 4: Forgive
They might not have done you wrong and maybe you've done nothing wrong to them, but somewhere there's forgiveness that needs to take place. Forgive your boss for hiring both of you which might be the reason why you can't be together. Forgive the new girl that they're suddenly interested in. She needs to be forgiven for being so unabashedly attractive. Forgive yourself for all the anger and frustration you've felt. They're legitimate emotions and should be felt. Forgiveness feels really good.
Step 5: Pain
This is where the rubber bands come into play. Place them on your wrist. It doesn't quite matter which, maybe put them on your left wrist until your lunch break and then switch them to your right. The choice is yours. So, each time you think about the person in question, you snap yourself with your rubber bands. It's going to hurt like hell and you'll probably hate it and people will wonder what the hell you're doing, but continue. Soon instead of salivating when you think of them, you'll whimper. Note: this step probably won't work if you're into S&M
Step 6: Start Crushing on Yourself
This might sound utterly ridiculous (as if my other bits of advice weren't), but hear me out! You are a wonderful person and you deserve a wonderful person to give you the same attention you give them. Why not start focusing your loving energy on yourself? People always say that you can't help others until you help yourself first, so why don't you practice that? This bit of advice is probably the best that I can give but I do have a warning with this one: Don't fall so in love with yourself that you become a narcissist. You'll have a really hard time attracting good attention and appreciating it when it arrives if this becomes the case.
Step 7: Eat a Lot of Junk Crap
Doing this is not actually going to help you in any way, shape, or form, but at least now you'll have an excuse to not eat well. Feel free to not exercise, clean up after yourself or shower for about a week and a half too. Like I said, this step is pretty useless. Don't do it.
Step 8: Get Things Done
Keeping busy instead of just sitting around moping or daydreaming is incredibly helpful. Each night before you go to bed, make a list of things that you need to get done either the next day or by the end of the week. When you're not at work, in the shower, or making/eating food (good stuff, not the crap from Step 7), do something productive from your list. If you're relaxing and you start thinking about the person, take a look at your list and start busying yourself again.
Out of all the steps listed, I actually only recommend you try steps 2, 4, 6 and 8. I included the others just in case they might maybe work for you. As previously mentioned, this isn't a fool-proof list and you're bound to awkwardly run into the person you're trying to unlike and start falling for them all over again. My advice when this happens is to do your best to recognize the patterns you have fallen in. Ask your friends to be honest with you if they see you steering down the path of no return. And remember, just when you think you could never live without that person, there'll be someone else who'll walk into your life who'll ignite something deep within you, and you'll be new once again.
Before I give you the list I need to give a disclaimer: Do try these at home, but be careful, some may be detrimental to your mental, physical and/or emotional health. If you still need to be friendly with the person you're trying to unlike, there are a few things on the list that probably won't work for you. Use your best judgement.
Supplies you'll need to follow the steps of the list include: copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream, booze and plenty of it, a good sense of humor, a super-smart friend who can build you a contraption (described in detail later), another cute person to direct your attention, and a few rubber bands.
Step 1: Memory Wipe
Get your super-smart friend to design you a contraption that'll wipe your memory. Make sure that you only wipe your memories of this person unless you want to start completely fresh. If that's the case, go back all the way to the day you were born. This is probably one of the most drastic things you can do and I do not hold any responsibility if anything goes wrong with this one, but if your super-smart friend does indeed create said contraption and it works, make sure that friend gets in touch with me. I want my name on the patent.
Step 2: Be Observant
Open your eyes! When you're waiting in line at the grocery store, take a look around. There's bound to be someone with a crushable likability to them. Formulate a crush on them. This new crush placement will push the thoughts of the old crush into the trash bin of your memory.
Step 3: Make Different Memories
This step isn't much different than "Step 1" but in this step, you won't run the risk of frying your brain cells. When you simply replace the happy, heart-warming thoughts you have of the person you're crushing on with thoughts of bad, unhappy things, you'll most likely start thinking that your crush is a mean, cruel person. But they are mean, aren't they? They're practically the devil reincarnated. Right? This is the part where you nod your head and agree with me.
Step 4: Forgive
They might not have done you wrong and maybe you've done nothing wrong to them, but somewhere there's forgiveness that needs to take place. Forgive your boss for hiring both of you which might be the reason why you can't be together. Forgive the new girl that they're suddenly interested in. She needs to be forgiven for being so unabashedly attractive. Forgive yourself for all the anger and frustration you've felt. They're legitimate emotions and should be felt. Forgiveness feels really good.
Step 5: Pain
This is where the rubber bands come into play. Place them on your wrist. It doesn't quite matter which, maybe put them on your left wrist until your lunch break and then switch them to your right. The choice is yours. So, each time you think about the person in question, you snap yourself with your rubber bands. It's going to hurt like hell and you'll probably hate it and people will wonder what the hell you're doing, but continue. Soon instead of salivating when you think of them, you'll whimper. Note: this step probably won't work if you're into S&M
Step 6: Start Crushing on Yourself
This might sound utterly ridiculous (as if my other bits of advice weren't), but hear me out! You are a wonderful person and you deserve a wonderful person to give you the same attention you give them. Why not start focusing your loving energy on yourself? People always say that you can't help others until you help yourself first, so why don't you practice that? This bit of advice is probably the best that I can give but I do have a warning with this one: Don't fall so in love with yourself that you become a narcissist. You'll have a really hard time attracting good attention and appreciating it when it arrives if this becomes the case.
Step 7: Eat a Lot of Junk Crap
Doing this is not actually going to help you in any way, shape, or form, but at least now you'll have an excuse to not eat well. Feel free to not exercise, clean up after yourself or shower for about a week and a half too. Like I said, this step is pretty useless. Don't do it.
Step 8: Get Things Done
Keeping busy instead of just sitting around moping or daydreaming is incredibly helpful. Each night before you go to bed, make a list of things that you need to get done either the next day or by the end of the week. When you're not at work, in the shower, or making/eating food (good stuff, not the crap from Step 7), do something productive from your list. If you're relaxing and you start thinking about the person, take a look at your list and start busying yourself again.
Out of all the steps listed, I actually only recommend you try steps 2, 4, 6 and 8. I included the others just in case they might maybe work for you. As previously mentioned, this isn't a fool-proof list and you're bound to awkwardly run into the person you're trying to unlike and start falling for them all over again. My advice when this happens is to do your best to recognize the patterns you have fallen in. Ask your friends to be honest with you if they see you steering down the path of no return. And remember, just when you think you could never live without that person, there'll be someone else who'll walk into your life who'll ignite something deep within you, and you'll be new once again.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
What is this, heartbreak?
My roommates Jenny and James will return home tomorrow* from their trip to Florida visiting with Jenny's family for Christmas. While they've been gone for a week, they've let me use their computer and car. Both things are great: since my laptop died last week, having access to the internet at home rather than making the trip to a library is rather convenient and since I've had a few midnight closing shifts, having the car to get me home from work is great too since the buses stop leaving the mall at 11:40 or so.
Since my laptop is not in working order, I haven't been able to listen to my iTunes which is quite a bummer. Thankfully I can listen to CDs in the car on my way to and from work. Tonight while I was headed back from work I popped in a CD that a friend from NMU had given me three years ago. One song came on and as I sang along, I thought: I wish I was able to post this song on Tumblr but then I realized that what I'm feeling is not what the song is talking about.
Feel free to check out the song on Last.fm: What Is This, Love? by Jason LeVasseur
So yeah. I'm in love but at the same time, I'm not. But, I am. It's become way too confusing. Maybe it's confusing because this time it's ending a little differently than I usually let it.
All of my past relationships have started in this way: I become interested in someone and I let them know and then convince them that they are also interested in me. This being interested in each other thing continues for awhile, sometimes for almost a year, other times only a handful of months (and I have very small hands). The ending always goes a little like this: I find a flaw in the person I'm with and decide I no longer want to be with them. I'm usually internally freaking out about comittment and I'm feeling smothered. I then get snippy and rude, hoping that I'll annoy the hell out of who I'm with so they'll get fed-up and will dump me. This usually doesn't work so then I give a half-assed apology for my behavior and then explain that "now really isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship. I need to take care of myself and being with someone is too distracting." They will either get it right away, accept it and move on or sometimes they cling. This is when things get really ugly. I do not like cling. Let's just say I'm claustrophobic to begin with.
So this time was different. She's got a lot going on right now and there's a distance thing. You know, 1,200 miles or so. And, I fell too fast. And now I think she's doing what I normally do. She's giving me many reasons to be unhappy with her and I've convinced myself that we're over but I haven't actually told her that yet. And, I haven't been talking to her much lately, so am I pushing her away like I normally do? I don't really know what's going on, but what I do know is that what I did feel was love and I'm trying to figure out how long it'll take for me to feel it again.
* I say tomorrow because although it actually is Tuesday, it isn't tomorrow until I've slept a couple of hours.
Since my laptop is not in working order, I haven't been able to listen to my iTunes which is quite a bummer. Thankfully I can listen to CDs in the car on my way to and from work. Tonight while I was headed back from work I popped in a CD that a friend from NMU had given me three years ago. One song came on and as I sang along, I thought: I wish I was able to post this song on Tumblr but then I realized that what I'm feeling is not what the song is talking about.
Feel free to check out the song on Last.fm: What Is This, Love? by Jason LeVasseur
So yeah. I'm in love but at the same time, I'm not. But, I am. It's become way too confusing. Maybe it's confusing because this time it's ending a little differently than I usually let it.
All of my past relationships have started in this way: I become interested in someone and I let them know and then convince them that they are also interested in me. This being interested in each other thing continues for awhile, sometimes for almost a year, other times only a handful of months (and I have very small hands). The ending always goes a little like this: I find a flaw in the person I'm with and decide I no longer want to be with them. I'm usually internally freaking out about comittment and I'm feeling smothered. I then get snippy and rude, hoping that I'll annoy the hell out of who I'm with so they'll get fed-up and will dump me. This usually doesn't work so then I give a half-assed apology for my behavior and then explain that "now really isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship. I need to take care of myself and being with someone is too distracting." They will either get it right away, accept it and move on or sometimes they cling. This is when things get really ugly. I do not like cling. Let's just say I'm claustrophobic to begin with.
So this time was different. She's got a lot going on right now and there's a distance thing. You know, 1,200 miles or so. And, I fell too fast. And now I think she's doing what I normally do. She's giving me many reasons to be unhappy with her and I've convinced myself that we're over but I haven't actually told her that yet. And, I haven't been talking to her much lately, so am I pushing her away like I normally do? I don't really know what's going on, but what I do know is that what I did feel was love and I'm trying to figure out how long it'll take for me to feel it again.
* I say tomorrow because although it actually is Tuesday, it isn't tomorrow until I've slept a couple of hours.
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