What is this, heartbreak?

My roommates Jenny and James will return home tomorrow* from their trip to Florida visiting with Jenny's family for Christmas. While they've been gone for a week, they've let me use their computer and car. Both things are great: since my laptop died last week, having access to the internet at home rather than making the trip to a library is rather convenient and since I've had a few midnight closing shifts, having the car to get me home from work is great too since the buses stop leaving the mall at 11:40 or so.

Since my laptop is not in working order, I haven't been able to listen to my iTunes which is quite a bummer. Thankfully I can listen to CDs in the car on my way to and from work. Tonight while I was headed back from work I popped in a CD that a friend from NMU had given me three years ago. One song came on and as I sang along, I thought: I wish I was able to post this song on Tumblr but then I realized that what I'm feeling is not what the song is talking about.

Feel free to check out the song on Last.fm: What Is This, Love? by Jason LeVasseur

So yeah. I'm in love but at the same time, I'm not. But, I am. It's become way too confusing. Maybe it's confusing because this time it's ending a little differently than I usually let it.

All of my past relationships have started in this way: I become interested in someone and I let them know and then convince them that they are also interested in me. This being interested in each other thing continues for awhile, sometimes for almost a year, other times only a handful of months (and I have very small hands). The ending always goes a little like this: I find a flaw in the person I'm with and decide I no longer want to be with them. I'm usually internally freaking out about comittment and I'm feeling smothered. I then get snippy and rude, hoping that I'll annoy the hell out of who I'm with so they'll get fed-up and will dump me. This usually doesn't work so then I give a half-assed apology for my behavior and then explain that "now really isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship. I need to take care of myself and being with someone is too distracting." They will either get it right away, accept it and move on or sometimes they cling. This is when things get really ugly. I do not like cling. Let's just say I'm claustrophobic to begin with.

So this time was different. She's got a lot going on right now and there's a distance thing. You know, 1,200 miles or so. And, I fell too fast. And now I think she's doing what I normally do. She's giving me many reasons to be unhappy with her and I've convinced myself that we're over but I haven't actually told her that yet. And, I haven't been talking to her much lately, so am I pushing her away like I normally do? I don't really know what's going on, but what I do know is that what I did feel was love and I'm trying to figure out how long it'll take for me to feel it again.

* I say tomorrow because although it actually is Tuesday, it isn't tomorrow until I've slept a couple of hours.