I'm Comin' Out, I Want the World to Know...

I came out to my dad's adopted parents this week when I was catching-up with them on the phone. I hadn't spoken with them since early March and they were itching to know what I had been up to. I'm fairly sure they were just wondering if I had decided to go back to school in the fall or not, instead I broke the news to them that I have a girlfriend and am extremely happy with her and I told them that if I do go back to school, it'll be for massage therapy and not for English or Linguistics.

This month has been incredible. I feel so alive and happy and I don't want to hide any bits of myself anymore. I know that some of my family members either won't understand or are quite homophobic and will probably become quite uncomfortable when I come out to them, but if they truly care about me and who I am and where my life is headed, they best be hearing about my lovely girlfriend.

If you read through my Mission 101 list, you'll find a vast array of challenges, some rather puny and others quite grand-scale. Coming out to all of my family members is on that list. I've decided that it isn't quite necessary to call-up the people that I really don't ever talk to (estranged/distant relatives) just for this conversation, but for the people who have a more solid role in my life, I've got to let them know.

Since I've just told my dad's adopted parents, now that whole side of the family knows. Yay! My dad's birth mother and one of her sons also know but her other two sons and their wives and children do not. My sister, her son and I will be road-tripping to visit them during the first weekend in August. I fully intend on coming out to them while I'm there, as I haven't the slightest idea when I'll see them again. As they're quite the conservative bunch, I'm not quite sure exactly how they'll take it, but I'm prepared to have a few bible verses shoved down my throat.*

I haven't tackled my mom's siblings and their significant others and children, though the cousins do have Facebook, but that just doesn't count. I'm not so nervous about coming out to them, but I want a good time to do so. I won't be making it home anytime soon (that it looks like), so maybe I should send my aunt a letter, a response to the letter she sent me this week, but with an added coming out edge. We'll see.

However they take it, I want people to know because if they have and questions or concerns, I can answer them. If they're unsure about their opinion of homosexuality because they're ignorant, I'll educate them. Here's to hoping all goes well!


* Whenever I hear the phrase "shoved down my throat," I think about this poster. Hey, guess what? The image actually applies to this entry:

My seventh grade science teacher had this up in her room. On the first day of class that foggy September, she asked us which character wasn't going to give up. I immediately thought: "Well duh! The frog doesn't want to get eaten, so he's certainly going to struggle to make sure he doesn't get swallowed." Most of my classmates agreed but someone asked: "Well, what about the bird? He's gotta be hungry. Maybe he hasn't seen food for awhile and this is his only chance to eat to survive." Well, dang. There now, we've got a stalemate. Neither wants to die. Both are going to struggle. Someone is definitely going to be satisfied and someone is definitely going to be disappointed. It's important for me to remember this image and phrase as I'm coming out. I'm absolutely certain of my identity and I'm not going to be changed or convinced that what my lovestyle is wrong. I understand that for those people who just don't quite get how someone can be attracted to a person of the same gender, they'll not want to give-up trying to save me from what they deem a "sinful life." I may always be at a stalemate with some relatives when I come out to them, but at least I'm not going to hide myself for the comfort of someone else.

A Reflection: Men and Me

Last Saturday night, I made a few comments about my last ex to my current crush/ladyfriend. I was being honest with what I said and the comments in themselves weren't bad, but about an hour after she had left, I suddenly felt that I hadn't fully expressed myself. I hadn't teased-out the edges of the thoughts I had when I made the comments and have been pondering how to clarify things a bit more.

The last person I was in a relationship with (for the sake of my own sanity, I'm not including the girl from New York in the "people I've been in a relationship" category) was a guy. This was after I had sworn-off men, deciding that I was far too good at manipulating them. Since my attraction to women was much stronger and my connection with women has always been incredibly more electric, I didn't want to even question the possibility of a relationship with a guy. Well, last May, something changed. I met this guy and there was just something about him that turned all my thoughts upside down.

Sadly, not too long into the dating-thing we had going on, I realized that the connection wasn't really a connection. I was flattered that I was getting some attention from a kind person, and it had been a very long time since anyone had really shown interest in me romantically. I wasn't interested in him romantically and I should have told him that; instead, I became very selfish and bathed in the compliments and attention. I didn't want to open-up the possibility of becoming romantically attached myself, so I didn't share with him very personal details about myself and I soon became aware that I was putting him in a box and taking him out when I wanted to play with him. That's not an appropriate way to treat any person, especially one that starts falling in love with you. I know that I broke his heart and I am truly sorry.

So when I told my current ladyfriend that the Lite-Brite in my living room was probably the best thing that came out of my last relationship, I wasn't lying, but I was also being really insensitive. The best thing perhaps that came out of the relationship is the things I've learned about myself. Yes: I am attracted to men and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another guy, though it would have to be under different circumstances, and I would need to let myself open-up and run the risk of getting hurt.

I have put up this terrible stigma that I can't have a connection with a man whom I'm attracted and I don't know exactly why. Somehow, I established that I won't find that and have blocked myself off from the possibility. So here, now, I'm opening it back up, because you just never know who'll wander into your life.

Though I do have to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind it a bit if my ladyfriend was my one and only love interest for (I'm running the risk of sounding utterly cliche here) as long as we both shall live.

The Simple Life

My heart is overflowing and I simply don't have the time to tell you all the reasons why, but this morning someone posted my favorite song by The Weepies and I've since had it on repeat.




Simple Life

Can I get up in the morning, put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
Is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
They'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know...

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

I dreamed you first, but not so real
And every day since I found you, such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
And hold our hearts between them
But will you hear me and know?

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

Move on, move on, time is accelerating
Drive on, all night, traffic lights and one ways
Move on, move on, parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air, let's stay here

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves and particles of light

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

Ignorance is Bullshit

Some say ignorance is bliss, I say ignorance is for people who would rather lazily stay in the confines of their conservative comfort-zone minds. Maybe it is blissful to live ignorantly; but I think that's a crock of shit.

It's rather frustrating to be waiting at a bus stop not knowing if you've just missed your bus or if it's a little late. Since I had forgotten my cell phone at home yesterday, I was completely unaware of what time it was when I got off the 21 to catch a 7. No one was in the bus shelter to ask, so I just hoped that I was early.

I had a song on repeat and I listened to it five times. The song is probably three minutes long; needless to say, I was standing there quite a long time before the bus arrived. As I got on the bus, I noticed the driver is one who is always late. She really takes her time, but that's mostly because she's enjoying her time chatting with her riders, which is rather endearing except when it’s complete ignorant trash.

When I sat down, I overheard the word “lesbian” so I paused my iPod and listened to the conversation. Of course I didn't get to hear everything as I had chosen to sit towards the middle of the bus, but I did hear enough to get rather upset:

“It just doesn’t make sense for a woman to be attracted to another woman.”
“I think that all lesbians once had boyfriends who didn’t treat them right.”
“And they probably had ‘Daddy issues’ too”

After awhile, I couldn’t stand hearing anything more so I pressed play and zoned out. As I got off the bus, I was told to have a good night. Out of habit, I returned the wish, but wanted to say:

“I’m a flaming lesbian who has had boyfriends who treated her really well but the fact is, I’m not sexually attracted to men but I am sexually attracted to women. And yes, I have had issues with my father, but why the hell should my relationship with my dad have anything to do with who I want to fuck?”

If something like this happens again, I'm going to speak-up. Unless someone is told otherwise, they'll continue to believe the myths that have been created to make some sort of sense out of the unknown, the strange, the seemingly impossible. If I merely get worked-up when people share ignorant thoughts or ideas that I could somehow correct, I am morally obligated to do so unless I want to end-up seething about it. If I let the ignorance continue, I haven't done my part to debunk the myths, to provide truth and education. So, from here on out, I'll do my best to make some sort of statement. It may start an argument, but perhaps that person will see how upset they've made someone by the comments they were making. Maybe they'll decide to keep their thoughts to themselves. Or maybe their opinions will change if given adequate education.

"We're Going to Tasty Yum-Yums in Our Jam-Jams" --Cassie

Frosty Treats in Marquette, Michigan has opened their doors windows for the season!

This small image might not mean much to you, but it does to me. I lived only a couple blocks away from this lovely little shop during my summer at the Ohio House. The best days went something like this: Ella would get home early from work, Cassie would have the day off, and I’d be just finishing up something or other for Platform and we’d take a walk to the lake. We always brought our shovel and pail so we could collect any found beach glass. Lilacs were always borrowed on our walk home to add some lovely fragrance to the house. We liked eating light dinners, usually some really good cheeses, crusty rosemary bread dipped in balsamic vinnegar and olive oil, and some fresh fruit and veggies. After listening to an Ella Fitzgerald record and watching an episode of Firefly, we’d count some change, put our pjs on, slide our toes into some sandals, and then walk to Frosty Treats for a tasty dessert.

Though the line at Frosty Treats can seem daunting as you approach, you soon forget how long you’ve been standing around because you bump into people you know. They wonder and ask why you’re in your pjs and you reply: “Well, why not?” That answer seems to cure everyone’s curiosity and they are incredibly envious that you have the luxury of walking to Frosty Treats whenever you wanted.

Discovering that Frosty Treats has opened-up for the season makes me incredibly homesick. I MUST make a trip to Marquette before fall.

And so it is, I have discovered my muse!

I imagine you'll find it ironic that I write no more on the subject.

Tweaking

I think the reason why I love "You've Got Mail" so much is because I'm so much like Tom Hank's character, Joe Fox, when he's getting to know Meg Ryan, Kathleen Kelly's character better. We as the audience know that he's getting to know her better and he's making himself more attractive to her. He's making her fall for him, making her unsure of how she feels for this internet friend of hers because there's an amazing guy right in front of her.

This is what I do. I get chummy with someone, babble about how much I like someone and how I'd like to be with them, but really I'm just trying to get the girl to admit she's a bit envious that I'm liking someone else.

It's like shooting fish in bucket or barrel, however the saying goes.

I'm pathetic.