A Reflection: Men and Me

Last Saturday night, I made a few comments about my last ex to my current crush/ladyfriend. I was being honest with what I said and the comments in themselves weren't bad, but about an hour after she had left, I suddenly felt that I hadn't fully expressed myself. I hadn't teased-out the edges of the thoughts I had when I made the comments and have been pondering how to clarify things a bit more.

The last person I was in a relationship with (for the sake of my own sanity, I'm not including the girl from New York in the "people I've been in a relationship" category) was a guy. This was after I had sworn-off men, deciding that I was far too good at manipulating them. Since my attraction to women was much stronger and my connection with women has always been incredibly more electric, I didn't want to even question the possibility of a relationship with a guy. Well, last May, something changed. I met this guy and there was just something about him that turned all my thoughts upside down.

Sadly, not too long into the dating-thing we had going on, I realized that the connection wasn't really a connection. I was flattered that I was getting some attention from a kind person, and it had been a very long time since anyone had really shown interest in me romantically. I wasn't interested in him romantically and I should have told him that; instead, I became very selfish and bathed in the compliments and attention. I didn't want to open-up the possibility of becoming romantically attached myself, so I didn't share with him very personal details about myself and I soon became aware that I was putting him in a box and taking him out when I wanted to play with him. That's not an appropriate way to treat any person, especially one that starts falling in love with you. I know that I broke his heart and I am truly sorry.

So when I told my current ladyfriend that the Lite-Brite in my living room was probably the best thing that came out of my last relationship, I wasn't lying, but I was also being really insensitive. The best thing perhaps that came out of the relationship is the things I've learned about myself. Yes: I am attracted to men and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with another guy, though it would have to be under different circumstances, and I would need to let myself open-up and run the risk of getting hurt.

I have put up this terrible stigma that I can't have a connection with a man whom I'm attracted and I don't know exactly why. Somehow, I established that I won't find that and have blocked myself off from the possibility. So here, now, I'm opening it back up, because you just never know who'll wander into your life.

Though I do have to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind it a bit if my ladyfriend was my one and only love interest for (I'm running the risk of sounding utterly cliche here) as long as we both shall live.

The Simple Life

My heart is overflowing and I simply don't have the time to tell you all the reasons why, but this morning someone posted my favorite song by The Weepies and I've since had it on repeat.




Simple Life

Can I get up in the morning, put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
Is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
They'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know...

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

I dreamed you first, but not so real
And every day since I found you, such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
And hold our hearts between them
But will you hear me and know?

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

Move on, move on, time is accelerating
Drive on, all night, traffic lights and one ways
Move on, move on, parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air, let's stay here

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves and particles of light

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

Ignorance is Bullshit

Some say ignorance is bliss, I say ignorance is for people who would rather lazily stay in the confines of their conservative comfort-zone minds. Maybe it is blissful to live ignorantly; but I think that's a crock of shit.

It's rather frustrating to be waiting at a bus stop not knowing if you've just missed your bus or if it's a little late. Since I had forgotten my cell phone at home yesterday, I was completely unaware of what time it was when I got off the 21 to catch a 7. No one was in the bus shelter to ask, so I just hoped that I was early.

I had a song on repeat and I listened to it five times. The song is probably three minutes long; needless to say, I was standing there quite a long time before the bus arrived. As I got on the bus, I noticed the driver is one who is always late. She really takes her time, but that's mostly because she's enjoying her time chatting with her riders, which is rather endearing except when it’s complete ignorant trash.

When I sat down, I overheard the word “lesbian” so I paused my iPod and listened to the conversation. Of course I didn't get to hear everything as I had chosen to sit towards the middle of the bus, but I did hear enough to get rather upset:

“It just doesn’t make sense for a woman to be attracted to another woman.”
“I think that all lesbians once had boyfriends who didn’t treat them right.”
“And they probably had ‘Daddy issues’ too”

After awhile, I couldn’t stand hearing anything more so I pressed play and zoned out. As I got off the bus, I was told to have a good night. Out of habit, I returned the wish, but wanted to say:

“I’m a flaming lesbian who has had boyfriends who treated her really well but the fact is, I’m not sexually attracted to men but I am sexually attracted to women. And yes, I have had issues with my father, but why the hell should my relationship with my dad have anything to do with who I want to fuck?”

If something like this happens again, I'm going to speak-up. Unless someone is told otherwise, they'll continue to believe the myths that have been created to make some sort of sense out of the unknown, the strange, the seemingly impossible. If I merely get worked-up when people share ignorant thoughts or ideas that I could somehow correct, I am morally obligated to do so unless I want to end-up seething about it. If I let the ignorance continue, I haven't done my part to debunk the myths, to provide truth and education. So, from here on out, I'll do my best to make some sort of statement. It may start an argument, but perhaps that person will see how upset they've made someone by the comments they were making. Maybe they'll decide to keep their thoughts to themselves. Or maybe their opinions will change if given adequate education.

"We're Going to Tasty Yum-Yums in Our Jam-Jams" --Cassie

Frosty Treats in Marquette, Michigan has opened their doors windows for the season!

This small image might not mean much to you, but it does to me. I lived only a couple blocks away from this lovely little shop during my summer at the Ohio House. The best days went something like this: Ella would get home early from work, Cassie would have the day off, and I’d be just finishing up something or other for Platform and we’d take a walk to the lake. We always brought our shovel and pail so we could collect any found beach glass. Lilacs were always borrowed on our walk home to add some lovely fragrance to the house. We liked eating light dinners, usually some really good cheeses, crusty rosemary bread dipped in balsamic vinnegar and olive oil, and some fresh fruit and veggies. After listening to an Ella Fitzgerald record and watching an episode of Firefly, we’d count some change, put our pjs on, slide our toes into some sandals, and then walk to Frosty Treats for a tasty dessert.

Though the line at Frosty Treats can seem daunting as you approach, you soon forget how long you’ve been standing around because you bump into people you know. They wonder and ask why you’re in your pjs and you reply: “Well, why not?” That answer seems to cure everyone’s curiosity and they are incredibly envious that you have the luxury of walking to Frosty Treats whenever you wanted.

Discovering that Frosty Treats has opened-up for the season makes me incredibly homesick. I MUST make a trip to Marquette before fall.

And so it is, I have discovered my muse!

I imagine you'll find it ironic that I write no more on the subject.

Tweaking

I think the reason why I love "You've Got Mail" so much is because I'm so much like Tom Hank's character, Joe Fox, when he's getting to know Meg Ryan, Kathleen Kelly's character better. We as the audience know that he's getting to know her better and he's making himself more attractive to her. He's making her fall for him, making her unsure of how she feels for this internet friend of hers because there's an amazing guy right in front of her.

This is what I do. I get chummy with someone, babble about how much I like someone and how I'd like to be with them, but really I'm just trying to get the girl to admit she's a bit envious that I'm liking someone else.

It's like shooting fish in bucket or barrel, however the saying goes.

I'm pathetic.

I Like Dating

It must have been about two years ago when I decided to take myself out on a date once a month. I don't really know where the idea came from necessarily, I wouldn't be surprised if I borrowed it from a book, play or film, but from wherever the inspiration came, I have thoroughly enjoyed treating myself each month. It's a practice of self-esteem and confidence boosting and it gets me out of the house.

Sometimes I plan my date nights in advance, but that's usually only if there's an event that I'd like to go to. Typically I find myself with extra time in a week and then plan to take myself out. About ten minutes before the end of my shift yesterday, my boss asked me what special plans I had for the rest of the day. I admitted that I have a library fine that I have to take care of and once that's done I wasn't quite sure what I'd do. I honestly had no other plans, but as I passed the Edina Cinema on my way home, I thought about taking myself out to the movies.

I took a nice nap on the bus and woke-up just before my stop at the downtown library. Walking into the building, I braced myself for what I feared a tremendous fine and a heavy dose of embarrassment. What I was met with was a terribly long line and only two people working behind the counter. Though I had the patience to wait in the line, I wasn't quite sure how patient everyone else behind me would be when I'd have to go through the process of not only paying my fine but also getting a new library card since I haven't the slightest idea where mine decided to hide in my room. Needless to say, I didn't even step foot into the line.

Instead, Gatsby* and I got cozy in the cafe. I sipped my chai tea latte while I researched showtimes at nearby theaters and I also jotted down a few upcoming concerts I'd like to see. Since I was uncertain if I should see "The Ghost Writer" with Ewan McGregor and Pierce Brosnan or Colin Firth's "A Single Man," I asked Tumblr what I should do. It seemed pretty unanimous.

At home I gussied-up, ate a tuna sandwich and tried to soothe my pre-date jitters. I honestly don't know what it is, but I still get all giddy about taking myself out. Though I thought I had timed my bus ride perfectly, the 7 was just leaving the stop as I left my house. Thankfully I had plenty of time to walk to Lake Street to catch the bus to Uptown without a problem. Even though it was drizzly and a bit chilly, I didn't wear my hat as a hathair preventative. That was probably a dumb idea, but I'd do the same thing if I were going out on a date with another lovely lady, so I didn't mind it too much.

I, a single woman on a date with herself, bought a ticket to see "A Single Man." I didn't get anything from concessions for three reasons:
1) I worked at a movie theatre in high school and cannot stand eating popcorn
2) Everything is overpriced
3) I smuggled in Cadbury Mini Eggs, Reese's Easter Eggs, and Caramel deLite Girl Scout cookies

The film was incredible. I especially enjoyed the cinematographer's choice of fading and/or intensifying color depending on the scenario taking place. Though he's a good actor, before seeing this film, I never would have called Colin Firth a brilliant actor, but that's how I'll refer to him from now on. And Julianne Moore! Let's take a moment to reflect on how stunning she is...yes, completely and utterly stunning. Matthew Goode without his English dialect? At first I was put-off by this, but then I fell in love with him again and was almost convinced that he was indeed American. Then I remembered that doesn't make any sense at all because he's on my list of English men I adore. Colin Firth is on the list too. Why did I even question going to "The Ghost Writer" over this film? Oh yes, that's because of my undying love for Ewan McGregor.

Yes, so anyway, the film was wonderful and I came home with a smile on my face. Date night success. It was such a success that I decided to take myself to the MIA today before I go to work. The only problem with this plan is my laziness. It's such a dreary day and I'd much rather just stay curled-up until the very last minute before catching my bus. Tomorrow will be a much better day to go to the MIA anyway. I don't typically like doing something that keeps me on my feet for a few hours before being kept on my feet at work for six and a half hours.

MiMi and Me

Last night when I got off the bus, there was a kitty sitting at Matthew's Park, watching me. It was almost as if she was waiting for me. When I got to the walk leading to my front door, I turned and saw the kitty sitting right behind me. She continued to follow me to the front step where I knelt down and pet her and asked her where she belonged. She hadn't a collar but her fur wasn't matted and it was very clear that she's an indoor cat.

As I fumbled for my key, I noticed that she had let herself in the screen door behind me. It doesn't latch so she just pawed it open. I let her into our house and introduced her to my housemates. After playing with her for about ten minutes, we brought her back outside and went to the neighbor's house to ask if they knew where she belonged. Surprisingly, the first house we stop at is her home. We learned her name is MiMi and she likes to roam around outside when the weather is nice.

Tonight when Abbi returned from work, MiMi was waiting for her and again she was welcomed into our house for a few minutes. Later in the evening, Matt came home and MiMi must have seen him come in because in a few moments we heard mewing, a request for us to let her in. For the past twenty minutes she's been lying on my legs, sleeping.

This is love.

The Bicycle Race

I'm an out of shape, recent non-smoker*, stretching her arms one last time before straddling her bike and advancing to the starting line. Other athletes take their places looking much more prepared than me.

Exhilaration, excitement, I can't wait to get started!

The finish line is ahead and though I don't know the route, I'll follow the signs as they appear and will mimmic the motions of the other bicyclists, certainly I can't get lost if I follow what they're doing, right?

The gun goes off and my legs are flailing, I'm pushing myself forward without training wheels. While trying to regain my balance I wonder: "When was the last time I was on a bike anyway?" Balance is back and I press on, full speed ahead. A mile into the ride, I'm feeling great. By the second mile I'm cramping up. I'm doubting myself, back peddling: "What on earth possessed me to do this?"

A tire pops and I dismount to repair it. I want to give up. There's no reason for me to continue now that I'm so far behind everyone else. I should just quit. I fix the tire. I get back on and continue to ride. I run out of water. I'm dying. The summer heat surrounds and suffocates me. "Air, where are you?"

I can't handle it. I slam on the breaks, catapulting myself over the handlebars. This scrape on my chin will be a scar. I won't forget. I throw the bike aside, cursing it. "Why did I let you convince me I could do this?"

And I abandon the bike and sit under a shady tree for awhile.

And a few years later I suddenly have the desire to ride again, hoping it's a different course and the weather conditions have improved.


* I don't actually smoke, I never have and never will but the residual cough I have from being sick last week might raise eyebrows