How To Stop Liking Someone

Valentine's Day is fast approaching and for the past few years it seems that I'm crushing on someone that I just simply can't be with. You know what it's like to have a crush on someone knowing it'll never go anywhere further than maybe sharing sips of soda or a random high-five, right? You know how terrible it is to pine away for someone without any chance of a future with them. Well, fret no longer, I've adapted a maybe fool-proof list of things you can do to get over someone that you shouldn't have really been into anyway. This list might also work for an ex boy/girl/something friend that you need to get over too.

Before I give you the list I need to give a disclaimer: Do try these at home, but be careful, some may be detrimental to your mental, physical and/or emotional health. If you still need to be friendly with the person you're trying to unlike, there are a few things on the list that probably won't work for you. Use your best judgement.

Supplies you'll need to follow the steps of the list include: copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream, booze and plenty of it, a good sense of humor, a super-smart friend who can build you a contraption (described in detail later), another cute person to direct your attention, and a few rubber bands.

Step 1: Memory Wipe
Get your super-smart friend to design you a contraption that'll wipe your memory. Make sure that you only wipe your memories of this person unless you want to start completely fresh. If that's the case, go back all the way to the day you were born. This is probably one of the most drastic things you can do and I do not hold any responsibility if anything goes wrong with this one, but if your super-smart friend does indeed create said contraption and it works, make sure that friend gets in touch with me. I want my name on the patent.

Step 2: Be Observant
Open your eyes! When you're waiting in line at the grocery store, take a look around. There's bound to be someone with a crushable likability to them. Formulate a crush on them. This new crush placement will push the thoughts of the old crush into the trash bin of your memory.

Step 3: Make Different Memories
This step isn't much different than "Step 1" but in this step, you won't run the risk of frying your brain cells. When you simply replace the happy, heart-warming thoughts you have of the person you're crushing on with thoughts of bad, unhappy things, you'll most likely start thinking that your crush is a mean, cruel person. But they are mean, aren't they? They're practically the devil reincarnated. Right? This is the part where you nod your head and agree with me.

Step 4: Forgive
They might not have done you wrong and maybe you've done nothing wrong to them, but somewhere there's forgiveness that needs to take place. Forgive your boss for hiring both of you which might be the reason why you can't be together. Forgive the new girl that they're suddenly interested in. She needs to be forgiven for being so unabashedly attractive. Forgive yourself for all the anger and frustration you've felt. They're legitimate emotions and should be felt. Forgiveness feels really good.

Step 5: Pain
This is where the rubber bands come into play. Place them on your wrist. It doesn't quite matter which, maybe put them on your left wrist until your lunch break and then switch them to your right. The choice is yours. So, each time you think about the person in question, you snap yourself with your rubber bands. It's going to hurt like hell and you'll probably hate it and people will wonder what the hell you're doing, but continue. Soon instead of salivating when you think of them, you'll whimper. Note: this step probably won't work if you're into S&M

Step 6: Start Crushing on Yourself
This might sound utterly ridiculous (as if my other bits of advice weren't), but hear me out! You are a wonderful person and you deserve a wonderful person to give you the same attention you give them. Why not start focusing your loving energy on yourself? People always say that you can't help others until you help yourself first, so why don't you practice that? This bit of advice is probably the best that I can give but I do have a warning with this one: Don't fall so in love with yourself that you become a narcissist. You'll have a really hard time attracting good attention and appreciating it when it arrives if this becomes the case.

Step 7: Eat a Lot of Junk Crap
Doing this is not actually going to help you in any way, shape, or form, but at least now you'll have an excuse to not eat well. Feel free to not exercise, clean up after yourself or shower for about a week and a half too. Like I said, this step is pretty useless. Don't do it.

Step 8: Get Things Done
Keeping busy instead of just sitting around moping or daydreaming is incredibly helpful. Each night before you go to bed, make a list of things that you need to get done either the next day or by the end of the week. When you're not at work, in the shower, or making/eating food (good stuff, not the crap from Step 7), do something productive from your list. If you're relaxing and you start thinking about the person, take a look at your list and start busying yourself again.

Out of all the steps listed, I actually only recommend you try steps 2, 4, 6 and 8. I included the others just in case they might maybe work for you. As previously mentioned, this isn't a fool-proof list and you're bound to awkwardly run into the person you're trying to unlike and start falling for them all over again. My advice when this happens is to do your best to recognize the patterns you have fallen in. Ask your friends to be honest with you if they see you steering down the path of no return. And remember, just when you think you could never live without that person, there'll be someone else who'll walk into your life who'll ignite something deep within you, and you'll be new once again.